Surviving

Personal News. October 2017

When I was about 12 years old I eventually called 999 from a nearby phone box regarding aggressive behaviour by my dad, only to be told off, returned home, and medicated for the rest of my teens. I was never questioned, no statement or discernible action was ever taken by the police, apart from involving the NHS.

However, in my darkest moments since then, I have consoled myself with the thought that somebody, somewhere out there would now know what was happening, that they would be doing whatever it is that these people are supposed to do, and that in some dusty pre-digital file, there would be a record which would eventually vindicate my story.

It has taken until now, on receipt of a direct request by me, for the local authorities to finally admit what had become obvious to me, that they either never made, got rid of or lost any record of my call, which is presumably why I endured further assaults and continued to be pathologized throughout my adult life.

Although I really have fought not to let the aggression or the subsequent pathologization of me determine the rest of my life, the truth is that it really has. Since returning back to Newcastle, those old fears began to affect many aspects of my life again.

One of the more enlightened decisions made during my twenties was to refer me to a cognitive therapist. Since then I have successfully used cognitive therapy techniques to help me to overcome my fears, restore my self confidence and remain positive, all the while imagining that piece of paper in that dusty file.

Unfortunately I don’t think this technique was ever meant for some of the enormous issues I have had to deal with over time, such as long term gaslighting by my father and my brother. I often wonder what my cognitive therapist would advise.

Sanctuary
Sanctuary Knocker, Durham Cathedral

I saw this Sanctuary knocker on a school trip to Durham Cathedral when I was about 14, trapped at home, on medication, understanding nothing. Although it was apparently intended to offer sanctuary to criminals, I remember wishing that I could find some kind of sanctuary from things at home. This idea imprinted itself on my consciousness and I still find it a powerful symbol.

I hope this post may be helpful to other people who have had similar experiences.

Rape Allegation

Personal News. April 2015.

I have been making a rape allegation against 3 men since 1987. Unfortunately for everyone, around 2000, a decision was made to ignore these confidences and protect people within the authorities. Following advice from the police in 2002 that they didn’t intend to pursue the allegation and a death threat from a member of the health service, I withdrew the allegation in 2003 in order to try and protect my late mother, who was at that stage terminally ill.

Following the death threat in 2003 and various attempts to blackmail, frame and incriminate me, I reported the case to a well known conflict resolution organisation, in the belief that this would enable me to position family or friends as go betweens with the police. My main aim at that time was to resolve things whilst my late mother was alive. Instead, I wasn’t permitted any access to an intermediary or legal representative for all the last years of my mother’s life, when the use of hacking and blackmail became intolerable.

As I have now lost all the people I was fighting for, I have withdrawn from any involvement in the case. My health, as well as my family and work life have all been affected. I mentioned the rape in order to do the right thing but it has achieved the exact opposite and I now wish I had never mentioned it.

Resurrection storyboard
Resurrection storyboard xv

Professional and Personal News

Work and Personal News. July 2017

I created this news area for work and personal news. Because it became quite depressing to see the extent to which visitors to my sites seemed more interested in my personal news than my work, research or interests, I have been taking a break from work to reflect on where that leaves my life and my career.

My late mum was the tragic casualty of hacking and harassment in 2009.  For the avoidance of doubt, where all this leaves things is at an end. I really don’t know what I was thinking when I confided in people about the rape and abuse which are a part of my past at a time when my mother was terminally ill. All I can say is that I genuinely thought people would care.

I would like to say a huge thank you to the victim counsellor who rescued me from distress which had become completely disabling and gave it a name.

In memory of my mum and dad.