Information

Personal News. February 2018.

As a digital immigrant, I didn’t really know much about online safety when I created this site, and my outdoor site in which I used a pseudonym, in 2012. The aims of my outdoor sites were to celebrate the life of my late mother and to remind myself, after her long illness, that beauty and kindness still existed in the world. Naively I thought that is what the internet was for. Because of this, I didn’t know how to react or who to turn to when my sites were targeted by cyberstalkers, malware and organised trolling.

Since my mother passed away in 2009, I have made repeated attempts to refer people to this site for information and news. However, the one thing I am learning is that trolls can’t, or won’t, read. Instead they seem intent on wreaking emotional devastation, and pressured me into disclosing private information on my outdoor site. These experiences have forced me to change my approach to the internet and social media.

I am trying to balance out the positive contribution the internet can make against the immense loss and emotional damage being caused by hackers and trolls, and the lax safety responses from some of the companies involved. As a result, I regret to say that I may lock or restrict some of my sites sometimes. I would be grateful if people could respect the privacy of myself and my family.

Everything else will hopefully carry on with improved productivity in a less toxic environment.

Art direction 3
Studio floor plan ©

Disillusionment

Personal. December 2017

Much of my life has been spent saying the same things over and over to no effect. This is a kind of cut up poem (after William Burroughs) which shows the evolution of some of those things, in an attempt to explain, and to make those futile years into something creative, which I have really struggled to do. I am writing them down in the hope that I never have to say or do any of them again.

Disillusionment

No
Stop it

I have been assaulted by my dad
Nobody is listening
I am not working with that police force
Could I speak to my brother?
This is a dictatorship
I am worried about my finances

I have been raped
I am concerned about my personal safety
Could I speak to my brother?
I am unable to get a job
I am feeling physically unwell
The local authorities are corrupt

I’m not getting through to the people I have dialled
Could you stop stalking me?
I’d like to complain about aircraft noise?
My laptop has been hacked
I am scared
Could I speak to my brother?

I would like an advocate or go between
I don’t speak in numbers
I have withdrawn the rape allegation
I was preparing to move abroad but it fell through
Could I speak to my brother?
Could you use my personal accounts instead of my blog?

Block
Mute
Report

My laptop / phone / bank account / websites / social media are being / have been hacked
I am being framed
Could I speak to my brother?
I have malware on my laptop
Could you stop telling me that your products / services don’t get hacked?
Could you stop flying over the house?

I have lost thousands of pounds
My flat is bugged
I am a doxing victim
I have lost all my family
Could you stop the noise?
Could I speak to my brother?

Exhaustion | Breakdown | Silence

§

In memory of my mum – the tragic casualty of hacking in 2009

IMG_5722

Surviving

Personal News. October 2017

When I was 12 years old I eventually called 999 from a nearby phone box regarding aggressive behaviour by my dad which began when I was about 3 years old, only to be told off, returned home, and medicated for the whole of my teens. I was never questioned, no statement or discernible action was ever taken by the police, apart from to involve the NHS.

However, in my darkest moments since I was twelve, I have consoled myself with the thought that somebody, somewhere out there would now know what was happening, that they would be doing whatever it is that these people are supposed to do, and that in some dusty file, there would be a record which would eventually vindicate my story.

Well, here we are over 40 years later and it has taken until now, on receipt of a direct request by me, for the local authorities to actually admit what had become obvious to me, that they either never made, got rid of or ‘lost’ any record of my call. This is presumably why I continued to be assaulted and medicalised throughout my life and nothing was ever done.

Although I really have fought not to let the aggression or the subsequent medicalisation of me as a child determine the rest of my life, the truth is that it really has. Since returning back up north, those old fears and archaic medical attitudes began to encroach on many aspects of my life again.

One of the more enlightened personal decisions made during my twenties in London was to refer me to a cognitive therapist. I successfully used cognitive therapy techniques to help me to overcome my fears, restore my self confidence and remain positive whilst I lived down south, all the while imagining that piece of paper in that dusty file. Somewhere.

Since I moved back up here, I have been mining this technique for all it’s worth, but I don’t think it was ever meant for the enormous issues I have had to deal with, and I often wonder what my cognitive therapist would advise.

Sanctuary
Sanctuary Knocker, Durham Cathedral

I saw the Sanctuary knocker (above) on a school trip to Durham Cathedral when I was about 14 years old, trapped at home, on medication, understanding nothing. Although the knocker at Durham was apparently intended to offer sanctuary to criminals, I remember wishing that I could knock on something like it and find some kind of sanctuary from things at home. This idea imprinted itself on my consciousness and I still find it a powerful symbol.

As my father is in his late 80s now, I think it is a bit late for recriminations against him at this stage, unless there are any further occurrences. It is very difficult for me to talk at the moment as I am financially trapped in his upstairs flat. My brother has never made himself available to discuss this issue.

I hope this post may be helpful to other people who have had similar experiences.

No Secrets Left

Personal News. April 2015.

I have been making a rape allegation against 3 men since 1987. Unfortunately for everyone, around 2000, a decision was made to ignore these confidences and protect people within the authorities. Following advice from the police in 2002 that they didn’t intend to pursue the allegation, and a death threat from a member of the health service, I withdrew the allegation in 2003 in order to try and protect my late mother, who was at that stage terminally ill.

However this too was ignored, and myself, my family and friends were stalked, hacked and harassed for about 9 years, until I finally filed an affidavit about it in 2013. Information about the case seems to have been leaked wholesale by the police or the women’s organisations I contacted, and this has turned the whole thing into a largely male, media war, which I feel powerless to stop.

Following the death threat in 2003 and various attempts to blackmail, frame and incriminate me, I reported the case to a well known conflict resolution organisation, in the belief that this would enable me to position family or friends as go betweens with the police. My main aim at that time was to resolve things whilst my late mother was alive. Instead, I wasn’t permitted any access to anyone who might have acted as an intermediary or granted access to any legal representation during the last years of my mother’s life, and the use of hacking and blackmail became intolerable.

As I have now lost the people I was fighting for, and am trying to support my elderly father, I have withdrawn from any involvement in the case. My health, as well as my family and work life have all been affected. I only mentioned the rape in order to do the right thing and to protect my family as my mother was ill. However it has achieved the exact opposite and I wish I had never mentioned it. Over the years I have tried to have faith that people know what they are doing but now that has completely gone.

I hope nobody would stoop so low as to hack or suppress any part of the sites which are a lifeline for my work, and an outlet for my personal news.

Resurrection storyboard
Resurrection storyboard xv