Surviving

Personal News. October 2017

When I was 12 years old I eventually called 999 from a nearby phone box regarding aggressive behaviour by my dad which began when I was about 3 years old, only to be told off, returned home, and medicated for the whole of my teens. I was never questioned, no statement or discernible action was ever taken by the police, apart from to involve the NHS.

However, in my darkest moments since I was twelve, I have consoled myself with the thought that somebody, somewhere out there would now know what was happening, that they would be doing whatever it is that these people are supposed to do, and that in some dusty file, there would be a record which would eventually vindicate my story.

Well, here we are over 40 years later and it has taken until now, on receipt of a direct request by me, for the local authorities to actually admit what had become obvious to me, that they either never made, got rid of or ‘lost’ any record of my call. This is presumably why I continued to be assaulted and medicalised throughout my life and nothing was ever done.

Although I really have fought not to let the aggression or the subsequent medicalisation of me as a child determine the rest of my life, the truth is that it really has. Since returning back up north, those old fears and archaic medical attitudes began to encroach on many aspects of my life again.

One of the more enlightened personal decisions made during my twenties in London was to refer me to a cognitive therapist. I successfully used cognitive therapy techniques to help me to overcome my fears, restore my self confidence and remain positive whilst I lived down south, all the while imagining that piece of paper in that dusty file. Somewhere.

Since I moved back up here, I have been mining this technique for all it’s worth, but I don’t think it was ever meant for the enormous issues I have had to deal with, and I often wonder what my cognitive therapist would advise.

Sanctuary
Sanctuary Knocker, Durham Cathedral

I saw the Sanctuary knocker (above) on a school trip to Durham Cathedral when I was about 14 years old, trapped at home, on medication, understanding nothing. Although the knocker at Durham was apparently intended to offer sanctuary to criminals, I remember wishing that I could knock on something like it and find some kind of sanctuary from things at home. This idea imprinted itself on my consciousness and I still find it a powerful symbol.

As my father is in his late 80s now, I wonder whether it is a bit late for recriminations against him at this stage, unless there are any further occurrences. It is very difficult for me to talk at the moment as I am financially trapped in his upstairs flat. My brother has never made himself available to discuss this issue.

I hope this post may be helpful to other people who have had similar experiences.

No Secrets Left

Personal News. April 2015.

I have been making a rape allegation against 3 men since 1987. Unfortunately for everyone, around 2000, a decision was made to ignore these confidences and protect people within the authorities. Following advice from the police in 2002 that they didn’t intend to pursue the allegation, and a death threat from a member of the health service, I withdrew the allegation in 2003 in order to try and protect my late mother, who was at that stage terminally ill.

However this too was ignored, and myself, my family and friends were stalked, hacked and harassed for about 9 years, until I finally filed an affidavit about it in 2013. Information about the case seems to have been leaked wholesale by the police or the women’s organisations I contacted, and this has turned the whole thing into a largely male, media war, which I feel powerless to stop.

Following the death threat in 2003 and various attempts to blackmail, frame and incriminate me, I reported the case to a well known conflict resolution organisation, in the belief that this would enable me to position family or friends as go betweens with the police. My main aim at that time was to resolve things whilst my late mother was alive. Instead, I wasn’t permitted any access to anyone who might have acted as an intermediary or granted access to any legal representation during the last years of my mother’s life, and the use of hacking and blackmail became intolerable.

As I have now lost the people I was fighting for, and am trying to support my elderly father, I have withdrawn from any involvement in the case. My health, as well as my family and work life have all been affected. I only mentioned the rape in order to do the right thing and to protect my family as my mother was ill. However it has achieved the exact opposite and I wish I had never mentioned it. Over the years I have tried to have faith that people know what they are doing but now that has completely gone.

I hope nobody would stoop so low as to hack or suppress any part of the sites which are a lifeline for my work, and an outlet for my personal news.

Resurrection storyboard
Resurrection storyboard xv

News Posts

Work and Personal News. July 2017

This news area was created for work news and some of the personal news which has been suppressed by various organisations. Because it became quite depressing to see the extent to which visitors to my sites were only interested in news regarding the 35 year old rape, rather than the illness and death of my mum, the 55 year old issues with my dad, my work, research or interests, I have been taking a break from work to reflect on where that leaves my life and my career.

In 2012, using a pseudonym, I created an outdoor website dedicated to my late mum – who was the tragic casualty of hacking and harassment in 2009 – but even this was leaked and is still being targeted by people with no interest at all in it’s origins or subject matter. I continue to request that people use this site for anything not related to the outdoors, but these requests seem to have no effect. As my protestations have been silenced, I resorted to posting my statements and affidavits on this site, but even accessing these seems to have been restricted.

Statement. February 2013 Statement. December 2014

For the avoidance of doubt, where all this leaves things is at an end. I really don’t know what I was thinking when I confided in people about the rape and abuse which are a part of my past at a time when my mother was terminally ill. All I can say is that I genuinely thought people would know and care about our situation. In summary, I could not have been more wrong.

Thanks very, very much to the victim counsellor who rescued me from distress which had become completely disabling and gave it a name.

If you have any work, study or general queries please use the contact form on this site.

In memory of my mum.