Rape Allegation II

Personal

From 2000 – 2009, while my mother was terminally ill, I tried to report several crimes including this underage assault, firstly via a solicitor who did not have my best interests at heart, then via my brother who would not take my calls, and finally via a friend acting as a go between with the police. Shortly before my mother passed away in 2009, my go-between’s Facebook messages were hacked. The net result of all this was that nothing was resolved while my mother was alive and a ton of evidence, involving several separate cases, went unreported. Following my mother’s death, there was little incentive for me to become further involved with these cases, most of which should have come to light long ago.

Anyway, the year is ending on a real low as I recently received the predictable news that this underage assault has not been crimed by Northumbria Police, meaning that not one prosecution has resulted from any of the reports I have made to this force since I was 12 years old (including two assaults and two rapes).

It seems to follow the same format each time I report anything from when I was a child. Northumbria Police firstly pathologizes me, then isolates me from my main witnesses or corroborators, sometimes for years, and seems to harvest them for information about me. In the meantime the accused says any old rubbish and the case is dropped. I have been through this routine before and am beginning to feel as if there is a formula at work.

As I have said to the investigating officer, depriving abuse survivors of contact with anyone who might support their allegation is a barbaric practice, which results in much unnecessary suffering for victims who don’t understand why they can’t speak to their closest family or friends, and that in turn results in failure to report other crimes. My own experiences (detailed in older posts) are testimony to this.

I have begun to feel that it is just not worth the hurt and upset to keep making allegations which are not progressed or lost, so it is unlikely I will report any further cases to this force. I try to remain positive by kidding myself that people read these news posts, and that they are accessible to all, as this is a paid for website.

I hope to be able to write about something more cheerful next time.

Surviving

Personal News. October 2017

When I was about 12 years old I eventually called 999 from a nearby phone box regarding aggressive behaviour by my dad, which had been escalating to the point where he had punched me in the face. When the police arrived, I was told off, returned home, sent to my room and medicated for the rest of my teens. I was never questioned, no statement or discernible action was ever taken by the police, apart from involving the NHS. Unfortunately I never got the opportunity to tell the police about a couple of school friends who were being abused either.

In my darkest moments since then, I have consoled myself with the thought that somebody, somewhere out there would now know what was happening to me, that they would be doing whatever it is that these people are supposed to do, and that in some dusty pre-digital file, there would be a record which would eventually vindicate my story.

It has taken until now, on receipt of a direct request by me, for the local authorities to finally admit what had become obvious to me, that they either never made, got rid of or lost any record of my call, which is presumably why I endured further assaults and continued to be pathologized throughout my adult life.

Although I really have fought not to let my father’s aggression or my subsequent pathologization determine the rest of my life, the truth is that it really has. Since returning back to Newcastle, those old fears began to affect many aspects of my life again.

One of the more enlightened decisions made during my twenties was to refer me to a cognitive therapist. Since then I have successfully used techniques from a type of cognitive therapy to help me to overcome my fears, restore my self confidence and remain positive – all the while imagining that piece of paper in that dusty file.

Unfortunately I don’t think this technique was ever meant for some of the enormous issues I have had to deal with over time, such as decision making while my mother was terminally ill and long term gaslighting by my father and my brother. I often wonder what my cognitive therapist would advise.

Sanctuary
Sanctuary Knocker, Durham Cathedral

I saw this Sanctuary knocker on a school trip to Durham Cathedral when I was about 14, trapped at home, on medication, understanding nothing. Although it was apparently intended to offer sanctuary to criminals, I remember wishing that I could find some kind of sanctuary from things at home. This idea imprinted itself on my consciousness and I still find it a powerful symbol.

I hope this post may be helpful to other people who have had similar experiences.

Rape Allegation I

Personal News. April 2015.

I have been making a rape allegation against 3 men since 1987. Unfortunately for everyone, around 2000, a decision was made to ignore these confidences and protect people within the authorities. Following advice from the police in 2002 that they didn’t intend to pursue the allegation and a death threat from a member of the health service, I withdrew the allegation in 2003 in order to try and protect my late mother, who was at that stage terminally ill.

Following the death threat in 2003 and various attempts to blackmail, frame and incriminate me, I reported the case to a well known conflict resolution organisation, in the belief that this would enable me to position family or friends as go-betweens with the police. My main aim at that time was to resolve things whilst my late mother was alive. Instead, I wasn’t permitted access to any intermediaries or legal representatives for the remainder of my mother’s life, when the use of hacking and blackmail became completely intolerable. Because of this, much evidence and another separate case remained undisclosed.

As I have now lost all the people I was fighting for, I have withdrawn from any involvement in the case. My health, as well as my family and work life have all been affected. I mentioned the rape in order to do the right thing but it has achieved the exact opposite and I really wish I had never mentioned it.

Resurrection storyboard
Resurrection storyboard xv